What Have I done, Invite bad Karma?
My sharp tongue has gotten me in trouble. I think that’s where most of my problems come from- I open my mouth. My problems at work and now I have hurt the feelings of a good friend. I worry about the fall out to the extent that it affects our friendship. The friends and this person are very important to me.
See, I met this person on line at a time when I needed a friend. And they always seem to be there when I need them. Giving of them self and not really seeming to expect much in return. Things are still rough for me in other ways and this person is still there for me. And so what do I do? Lash out a them because they are not perfect in some way. So unfair of me. And this person has accepted me for who I am, both good and bad. I don’t know where it came from.
Actually, I do. I had my feelings hurt so I just wanted them to know but I had no idea I would be so hurtful about telling them. I guess sometimes there is no good way but in this case, the cost was too high. Sometimes you just should keep things to yourself. I thought about keeping it to my self but I felt that I might build up this resentment. I did not want that, but I did not want this either. I don’t know what to do to make it better either. I said I was sorry but it seems so inadequate.
I also do have to wonder what I bring to the table for them. Am I a friend that is there for them too? Do I help them or only tear them down? I always feel like I am apologizing for something I’ve said. Although not mean spirited, it always comes out that way in my mind and from my mouth (which in this case is really the end of my typing fingers). You’d think that the ability to edit before sending would eliminate that. But with me, I always have to be quick about things. Can’t seem to slow down and take my time long enough to think before I act.
Maybe it would be better if I went away and spared them from my wrath. My loss would be so great I don’t know if I could stand it. But I am so distraught over this that I wonder if they might be better without me. This is disturbing me greatly but I am so incredibly sorry that I have said what I did. How powerful words can be, me and my poison pen.
As I read this, I realize that this is all about me- not them. All about how I feel and my fears of what will happen to me if I lose their friendship. What will happen to them? How are they hurting now? Did my words cut so deep? Will these cuts ever heal? Maybe I’ll never know. I just pray that somehow they will be alright and maybe things might be OK again. I can always hope.
Follow up: Thanks for the kind words. I am pleased to say that this person is a true friend. I do have to watch my big mouth however, as I do tend to be a bit direct and push a bit hard for answers to questions.
April 9th, 2007 at 11:10 AM
I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone…I can tell you from experience no matter what you say or do it my not be enough for some and to much for others…all you have to do is stay true to yourself…people will come and go through your life, you will learn a lesson from them and then they are gone…you may not know why they left or if you did something to make them leave….just value the time you had with them and if they think about it long enough they will find that your words were not to hurt but to help..sometimes they return and sometimes not. Your words were true and that is their lesson to learn from you….
I’ve learned a lot from you and value your friendship….
SO THERE!!!!!!
April 12th, 2007 at 9:39 PM
i think you’re being too hard on yourself. if you’re friend is a true friend, s/he will eventually forgive you. so in the meantime, learn to be forgiving of yourself.