Magickal Circle

I am in a dancing mood. I started taking Bellydancing lessions. Oh what fun. It’s hard to get my body to cooperate though. You really have to learn to control movements and such and walk, chew gum and move all at the same time because you have to move your arm, hips and body plus do the dance step. It was really cool in class this week as some people are wearing coin scarves around their waist. When we do certain movement, the coins jingle and move in rhythm to the music. It sounds really cool.  I am going to order myself a scarf to wear. I think it will make it even more fun.

I also started going back to the gym at work and work out. Boy have I been tired this week! I am hoping the energy level picks up soon. I know last time, after I went throuigh this tired spell, I got all the energy. Last time it took a couple weeks to get tired, This time, it happened almost right away.   So I am hoping that things pick up soon.  All this to help improve my mood and outlook. I think it’s working

There seems to be some discussion about Blue Moon. My understanding is that the blue moon is the second full moon in a calendar month.  There are 13 full moons in a year so once per year you should see one. Is it really blue? So the expression ‘Once in a blue moon” must mean once a year. Go figure!

Howdy all. The warm weather is finally here. Although I don’t like it hot, I do like a refreshing margarita. I’d love to take a trip to somewhere and have someone waite on me and serve me drinks. Nothing else to do but breathe. Ah, that would be nice.

Full moon tonight, plan to go outside and at least acknowledge the goddess, light a candle and such. Seems just like the proper thing to do.

Sorry I haven’t been posting much- been keeping busy with other things like cleaning and changing seasonal clothing around. Good to get these things done but so many other things get left undone. All in good time my little pretty, all in good time.  So I won’t beat myself up over it.  So there.

Have a good week all and I will work on posting some more. So many things though….

Well I guess the medicine must be working as I do find myself feeling better.Things are not looking quite so gloomy. I appreciate the positive comments and concern.I have been down this road before and things do eventually get better, especially if you do take your medicine. But that was just it. I had been taking it and I just bottomed out. Go figure.

So the Miracle of modern Psychiatry. Personally I think Tom Cruise is a jerk. He really knows nothing on the subject yet presents himself like he’s an expert. What a a-hole.

I’ve been trying to find a new job. A recruiter called me about a position and wanted professional references. That would be great except none of my former managers are permitted to give references according to their company policy. So what are you supposed to do? He could not submit me for a position without the references. How are you supposed to get them?
I’m still trying to recover from losing both positions I interviewed for a few weeks back. It is probably for the best as they were short term but what a blow to your ego.

You know the thing I don’t like about the higher dose of meds is that you feel a bit detached and numb. At least I do. But much more in control. I prefer the “in control”, at least for now. A bit like I’m in slow motion too. Very odd. But I do feel better and not so depressed and much better able to deal with things.

I have been looking more into Tarot- bought a few more books. Haven’t been able to settle down to get any studying done but I am very drawn to these cards. I’ve decided to start collecting decks.There are some nice fairy decks out there and I like fairies. I guess if it has cool art work, I am interested. But drawn to the fey as well am I.

Well, It’s time to get ready for work. Should be busy today. I’d rather have that then being slow with nothing to do. I hate that.

I wish I knew the answer to this question. I can’t seem to shake the depression I am in. The doctor increased my meds and I don’t feel very motivated. But it hasn’t been very long, I suppose. But it seems like an eternity when you’re depressed. I woke up today a physically felt like crap so I stayed home. I had to keep lying down I felt so dizzy. I don’t want to focus on these things either. But it is difficult when you’re preoccupied.

So why are you depressed? This is the question everyone always asks. I find the question always maddening. Why does there have to be a reason. I just am, okay? It might have something to do with hating my job, not having things be the best at home and just feeling unsatisfied with my life at this point in time. So do something about it you say? Well I am trying to find a different job- both recent interviews I had turned out to be fruitless- but probably for the best. Home life- well- I’m just not going there. Besides, the happiness thing is supposed to come from within anyway. I guess I’m just not that happy these days, bottom line.

What would make me happy? hmmm. Good question and there is the point to ponder I suppose. I need to feel good about me again and right know that’s a bit elusive. I guess I have to ask the Goddess for her help and maybe she can help me to help myself. Keep the faith and believe things will get better. yea, that’s the ticket. Goddess bless. Sorry for the depressing post but venting helps me………

I sort of elected myself to write ritual for my group of friends for Beltane, which we will celebrate tonight. I find it confusing how some texts say it is April 30 and some May 1st. I figured it was a good exercise which it did turn out to be as I came up with a generic ritual and you just plug in the one working section for whatever holiday or spell work you wish to do. I learned a lot doing it.

As part of this I read about the Five Dragons of Fire, Air, Earth, Water and Spirit. I found this amusing because I myself own five bearded dragon lizards. Not four, not six, but exactly five. It just seems sort of strange that I have this amount and strangely enough, some of their personalities match. At least I think so.

My one lizard, Spike, she lives in her hammock (suspended in air) and so I feel she represents air. She also tends to fly off of her hammock with incentive of a worm.

Rudy represents fire for no other reason than he is red in color

Rocky represents earth. He is the color of a white rock and black rock and he is calm and grounded. Plus I named him Rocky

Casanova represents water. He loves to soak in the water. He was my first living dragon and went through a long illness. He is doing great and has a new lease on life.

Finally there is Spirit and that means Rosie. She has lots of spirit too. She is my spunkiest dragon hands down and quite a character.

I have to learn a bit more about this but I also think that these lizards are my animal totem. I’m crazy about them and the first one I ever saw I fell in love with. They each have their own house and there is a four story high rise plus Rudy has a tall tank where he can climb.

Anyway, I though I’d share my story about my dragons as I though it was kind of neat. Have a great Beltane.

Well, it has been a while since I have posted. Been a bit depressed I’m afraid plus been trying to keep busy so the depression doesn’t grab hold. It has a way of doing that….

Spring has arrived full force and I have had fun cleaning up the yard and repairing my sidewalk last weekend, and earning a bad sunburn for the cost of no initials in my cement. But the yard looks nice and I can relax a bit knowing that someone will not kill themselves on my sidewalk.

I’ve also been interviewing for a new job. I work in the Pharmaceutical industry and am trying to find a job that utilizes my talents a bit better then the annoying job I have now. It pays well but the frustration level makes it not really satisfying which I sort of need in my life. The last interview I had was for a job that has my name on it and I hope that the potential employer agrees. I hope to have an answer on the morrow. It is still a contract position but I almost prefer them. You get variety, a wide experience, good pay and a constant change of pace.

The situation with my friend is not turning out has I had hoped. While they are speaking to me, it feels strained and reserved. But I understand. I realize though that the bad words I sad were more about how I feel about me and have nothing to do with them really, they just happen to be the object of my anger. For this I am truly sorry. I can never take back what I have said. Perhaps I can make them understand where these words came from and what drove me to say them but the harm has been done. My stomach is in knots over this; I have difficulty sleeping-as if I did not already. This is perhaps the worst thing I have ever done and I can’t seem to fix it. For a person who is accustomed to fixing things, this is difficult for me to handle. I guess I have to allow them some space and hope that time will heal the wound.

I am looking forward to Beltane this year. I plan to write a ritual. A friend wants to build a bonfire. Sounds like a plan in my book. I have a change in store for the site here too. To welcome the time of light and the Goddess from the time of Dark when the God rules. A new time calls for fresh things.

Well, I guess that about catches things up. I’d like to hear about your plans for Beltane. Always looking for ideas. Goddess Bless.

I have turned to my fairy cards for answers to some things that have been rolling around in my head. I find feelings to be a bit confusing at times and I asked them for some guidance to help sort things out. I can’t really be specific but they have told me to relax and have faith and let things unfold as they will. I kept drawing the “Let Go” card so I guess they are really trying to tell me something. Perhaps this is part of the reason I am again being plagued by my headaches. To much of stressing out over things. Work is stressing me out plus things in my personal life, health concerns. Sigh, it never seems to end for me.

All I can do is keep the faith and hope things work out for the best, whatever that turns out to be.

Just a note on the positive side, I feel the Goddess in my heart now more than ever. I must focus on her love as I am sure she will see me through this time.

My sharp tongue has gotten me in trouble. I think that’s where most of my problems come from- I open my mouth. My problems at work and now I have hurt the feelings of a good friend. I worry about the fall out to the extent that it affects our friendship. The friends and this person are very important to me.

See, I met this person on line at a time when I needed a friend. And they always seem to be there when I need them. Giving of them self and not really seeming to expect much in return. Things are still rough for me in other ways and this person is still there for me. And so what do I do? Lash out a them because they are not perfect in some way. So unfair of me. And this person has accepted me for who I am, both good and bad. I don’t know where it came from.

Actually, I do. I had my feelings hurt so I just wanted them to know but I had no idea I would be so hurtful about telling them. I guess sometimes there is no good way but in this case, the cost was too high. Sometimes you just should keep things to yourself. I thought about keeping it to my self but I felt that I might build up this resentment. I did not want that, but I did not want this either. I don’t know what to do to make it better either. I said I was sorry but it seems so inadequate.
I also do have to wonder what I bring to the table for them. Am I a friend that is there for them too? Do I help them or only tear them down? I always feel like I am apologizing for something I’ve said. Although not mean spirited, it always comes out that way in my mind and from my mouth (which in this case is really the end of my typing fingers). You’d think that the ability to edit before sending would eliminate that. But with me, I always have to be quick about things. Can’t seem to slow down and take my time long enough to think before I act.

Maybe it would be better if I went away and spared them from my wrath. My loss would be so great I don’t know if I could stand it. But I am so distraught over this that I wonder if they might be better without me. This is disturbing me greatly but I am so incredibly sorry that I have said what I did. How powerful words can be, me and my poison pen.

As I read this, I realize that this is all about me- not them. All about how I feel and my fears of what will happen to me if I lose their friendship. What will happen to them? How are they hurting now? Did my words cut so deep? Will these cuts ever heal? Maybe I’ll never know. I just pray that somehow they will be alright and maybe things might be OK again. I can always hope.

Follow up:  Thanks for the kind words. I am pleased to say that this person is a true friend. I do have to watch my big mouth however, as I do tend to be a bit direct and push a bit hard for answers to questions.

I am very glad it is now spring. It is pretty safe to say that we won’t get any real snow any more this year. I am enjoying the daffodils and crocus and I have tulips coming up. I love this time of year and look forward to it getting a bit warmer and working out in the yard, small though it is.

With the upcoming arrival of Beltane, we will be passing from the time of dark where the god rules and into the time where the goddess prevails. This is my favorite time except for the extreme heat of summer. The humidity here outside Phila Pa can be oppressive in the summer and I don’t look forward to that. Thank goodness for central air but I hate the electric bills. I am hoping to complete some home projects, specifically redoing my bathroom.

I’d like to have a celebration for Beltane this year and I have the month of April to plan. But between a full time job and other projects, there never seems to be time. I do, however, take the time to reflect on the goddess at the time of the full moon, and thank her. At least I can do this much and hope that she knows that which is in my heart.

Do you have special plans for Beltane? What do you do? How do you honor the Goddess at this time?