Magickal Circle

I’m having a bit of a trauma here at work. All the problem people have left and it’s nice and calm here now. However I pushed for a change in position which they said I could be trained for and they are just dragging their feet.  Actually doing the job should be a promotion money wise as well, so that’s another reason to push for it.  I feel like they are just going to keep telling me that it is not convenient to train me. We need you in your present position.  If that’s the case then why did they say yes to the position for me?

I just get tired of all these loowsey jobs I get and new get anywhere. I feel like I have paid my dues. I have a nursing degree which lets you do a lot of different jobs besides nursing. I have done the entry level stuff and I need something more. I am too intelligent to settle for all this crap.  My birthchart says that I will have trouble in my work life-sort of like slogging through the mud. I have to fight for everything. That’s pretty much the way it is.

So here I finally think I’m getting a break and then it stalls.  This is a great deal of the reason I want to work for myself if I can just find something that will pay as much as I earn now (or better).  I can’t seem to get anywhere.  Sigh.

If anyone has a suggestion, I’m listening! 

I feel like I am in mourning. The loss of a friend. They didn’t die or anything but they are no longer, so it seems, considering me as a friend. I am not perfect or anything but I feel that I ruined everything and so I consider it my fault. I don’t do well with screwing things up. I am a sensitive person and take everything to heart.  So I am very sad.

I don’t understand the lack of forgiveness or is it a question of no consideration for anyone else’s feelings. I try to think of other peoples feeling but I am not perfect. I have said the wrong thing too many times I suppose. So again, brought on by my own stupidity. As usual I am my own worst enemy.

So I guess I have to be grateful for the time I had as this person’s friend. And I enjoyed it a lot. New thoughts and ideas and a different way of looking at things.  Moral support too. Lots of that.  and now it’s gone. 

So I say a prayer for my friend- that their life will be good and they will be happy. That’s all I ever wanted was for them to be happy.  But now I’m sad and I don’t know how they feel because they won’t say. And they have a reason but to me it doesn’t relate. They don’t want to spend so much time on the computer. This translated to didn’t want to chat anymore in reality- at least my reality anyway.  Doesn’t make much sense. Why can’t people say what they mean. I would rather the truth, even if not pleasant rather than some BS excuse that in essence is more insulting because it shows lack of respect.  Hmm, maybe they felt I didn’t deserve that much consideration. I guess that’s another point to ponder. But when a person says they value the friendship and then seem to toss it away and it’s gone, I question how valuble was it to them? I am so confused.

So I mourn the loss. Some days I cry, some are just sad. Sometimes I am angry. All that grief stuff.  I guess it will get easier with time……so I hope.

If none of this makes any sense, then I apologize. I just had to vent.

Well I guess the medicine must be working as I do find myself feeling better.Things are not looking quite so gloomy. I appreciate the positive comments and concern.I have been down this road before and things do eventually get better, especially if you do take your medicine. But that was just it. I had been taking it and I just bottomed out. Go figure.

So the Miracle of modern Psychiatry. Personally I think Tom Cruise is a jerk. He really knows nothing on the subject yet presents himself like he’s an expert. What a a-hole.

I’ve been trying to find a new job. A recruiter called me about a position and wanted professional references. That would be great except none of my former managers are permitted to give references according to their company policy. So what are you supposed to do? He could not submit me for a position without the references. How are you supposed to get them?
I’m still trying to recover from losing both positions I interviewed for a few weeks back. It is probably for the best as they were short term but what a blow to your ego.

You know the thing I don’t like about the higher dose of meds is that you feel a bit detached and numb. At least I do. But much more in control. I prefer the “in control”, at least for now. A bit like I’m in slow motion too. Very odd. But I do feel better and not so depressed and much better able to deal with things.

I have been looking more into Tarot- bought a few more books. Haven’t been able to settle down to get any studying done but I am very drawn to these cards. I’ve decided to start collecting decks.There are some nice fairy decks out there and I like fairies. I guess if it has cool art work, I am interested. But drawn to the fey as well am I.

Well, It’s time to get ready for work. Should be busy today. I’d rather have that then being slow with nothing to do. I hate that.

Where is my W2? I am really annoyed at this point. Apparantly it was messed up so it had to be fixed. How many days does that take? 10 days they say. To change a couple of freaking numbers?  But I must calm myself as waiting does have it’s benefits. The Mail came. I received a statement for the last of my student loan interest. Another deduction. So I guess I’m not so mad anymore.

This is total unrelated to Wicca, or my it is. I had an incident I guess you’d call it, with some co-workers at work. As the senior member of the group and the person who trained most of these people, something had come up so I sent out a memo about the correct way to do something. A couple of the people jumped all over me. “who told you this”, “I though I supposed to do it this way. I want to know who told you this”. I explained to them I was only providing information. I get a e mail from one of these co-workers saying I should have gone through the team lead for this. All I was doing was trying to remind them. I guess I probable got more upset than the situation warranted but I am getting real tired of personal attacks at this place where I work. This one co-worker who sent me the e mail considers herself a good Christian., she is studying a lot at church. She has talked to me about the importance of love . I find no love in her actions an feel she is a bit of a hypocrite. I had another incident with one of of these co-workers where she announce in the team meeting that my New Years resolution was the my goal was to keep my mouth shut during team meetings. I do tend to be outspoken but it is because i have ideas and see things that need to be fixed. I learn how things work and try to make them work better. I can’t help it.

I can’t understand that kind of meanness. They don’t even realize they are doing it, that’s the sad part. I certainly am not feeling the love.

We had a team meeting this morning and I am going in late to work and didn’t go to the meeting so I didn’t have to look at their faces. I can retreat to my cube and work. I’ll be better about tomorrow but I am just so mad about the whole thing.

But maybe too, I should have the love and let go of this. they too are human. Their actions may not have been purposeful and they are doing what they thought was right at the time. I usually don’t stay mad for long but I guess I feel very hurt about the whole thing. I feel betrayed somehow and there’s me and them not the whole team anymore. I feel so strongly about the whole thing that I was ready to quit. I am uncomfortable being there now.
Well. I guess I am done. we shall see what happens. Goddess Bless