Magickal Circle

Well, it has been a while since I have posted. Been a bit depressed I’m afraid plus been trying to keep busy so the depression doesn’t grab hold. It has a way of doing that….

Spring has arrived full force and I have had fun cleaning up the yard and repairing my sidewalk last weekend, and earning a bad sunburn for the cost of no initials in my cement. But the yard looks nice and I can relax a bit knowing that someone will not kill themselves on my sidewalk.

I’ve also been interviewing for a new job. I work in the Pharmaceutical industry and am trying to find a job that utilizes my talents a bit better then the annoying job I have now. It pays well but the frustration level makes it not really satisfying which I sort of need in my life. The last interview I had was for a job that has my name on it and I hope that the potential employer agrees. I hope to have an answer on the morrow. It is still a contract position but I almost prefer them. You get variety, a wide experience, good pay and a constant change of pace.

The situation with my friend is not turning out has I had hoped. While they are speaking to me, it feels strained and reserved. But I understand. I realize though that the bad words I sad were more about how I feel about me and have nothing to do with them really, they just happen to be the object of my anger. For this I am truly sorry. I can never take back what I have said. Perhaps I can make them understand where these words came from and what drove me to say them but the harm has been done. My stomach is in knots over this; I have difficulty sleeping-as if I did not already. This is perhaps the worst thing I have ever done and I can’t seem to fix it. For a person who is accustomed to fixing things, this is difficult for me to handle. I guess I have to allow them some space and hope that time will heal the wound.

I am looking forward to Beltane this year. I plan to write a ritual. A friend wants to build a bonfire. Sounds like a plan in my book. I have a change in store for the site here too. To welcome the time of light and the Goddess from the time of Dark when the God rules. A new time calls for fresh things.

Well, I guess that about catches things up. I’d like to hear about your plans for Beltane. Always looking for ideas. Goddess Bless.

I have turned to my fairy cards for answers to some things that have been rolling around in my head. I find feelings to be a bit confusing at times and I asked them for some guidance to help sort things out. I can’t really be specific but they have told me to relax and have faith and let things unfold as they will. I kept drawing the “Let Go” card so I guess they are really trying to tell me something. Perhaps this is part of the reason I am again being plagued by my headaches. To much of stressing out over things. Work is stressing me out plus things in my personal life, health concerns. Sigh, it never seems to end for me.

All I can do is keep the faith and hope things work out for the best, whatever that turns out to be.

Just a note on the positive side, I feel the Goddess in my heart now more than ever. I must focus on her love as I am sure she will see me through this time.

My sharp tongue has gotten me in trouble. I think that’s where most of my problems come from- I open my mouth. My problems at work and now I have hurt the feelings of a good friend. I worry about the fall out to the extent that it affects our friendship. The friends and this person are very important to me.

See, I met this person on line at a time when I needed a friend. And they always seem to be there when I need them. Giving of them self and not really seeming to expect much in return. Things are still rough for me in other ways and this person is still there for me. And so what do I do? Lash out a them because they are not perfect in some way. So unfair of me. And this person has accepted me for who I am, both good and bad. I don’t know where it came from.

Actually, I do. I had my feelings hurt so I just wanted them to know but I had no idea I would be so hurtful about telling them. I guess sometimes there is no good way but in this case, the cost was too high. Sometimes you just should keep things to yourself. I thought about keeping it to my self but I felt that I might build up this resentment. I did not want that, but I did not want this either. I don’t know what to do to make it better either. I said I was sorry but it seems so inadequate.
I also do have to wonder what I bring to the table for them. Am I a friend that is there for them too? Do I help them or only tear them down? I always feel like I am apologizing for something I’ve said. Although not mean spirited, it always comes out that way in my mind and from my mouth (which in this case is really the end of my typing fingers). You’d think that the ability to edit before sending would eliminate that. But with me, I always have to be quick about things. Can’t seem to slow down and take my time long enough to think before I act.

Maybe it would be better if I went away and spared them from my wrath. My loss would be so great I don’t know if I could stand it. But I am so distraught over this that I wonder if they might be better without me. This is disturbing me greatly but I am so incredibly sorry that I have said what I did. How powerful words can be, me and my poison pen.

As I read this, I realize that this is all about me- not them. All about how I feel and my fears of what will happen to me if I lose their friendship. What will happen to them? How are they hurting now? Did my words cut so deep? Will these cuts ever heal? Maybe I’ll never know. I just pray that somehow they will be alright and maybe things might be OK again. I can always hope.

Follow up:  Thanks for the kind words. I am pleased to say that this person is a true friend. I do have to watch my big mouth however, as I do tend to be a bit direct and push a bit hard for answers to questions.